The story of the birth of Finn begins before the actual day I went into labor. It begins with my first childhood memory…

Fear. Fear has been with me since I can remember. In fact, one of my earliest and most vivid childhood memory is all about fear. I must have been 4 or 5 years old. Through the years, I have learned to live with or fight against my fear but I have never felt I have conquered it.

Pain. Pain has been a rather new experience relative to my fear. I have suffered from a chronic painful condition of the vulva, generically called Vulvadynia, for 11 years. I have undergone a variety of treatments including medication, shots in my vulva, biofeedback, therapy, and finally surgery. Each provided some sort of relief (except the shots), but nothing has gotten rid of the burning sensation.

Luckily for me after the fourth month, I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant. I was off my pain medication and relatively pain free (except for intercourse). I was happy with the changes going on in my body and felt radiant. Fear and pain stayed at a distance and I could enjoy myself.

About a month before I was to give birth, I became overwhelmed with fear and self-doubt. Vulvadynia patients have weak pelvic floor muscles. Plus my thigh muscles were weak due to the way they closed themselves tight when I slept as protection for my vulva. I mentally thought I was the weakest person to give birth on the planet. And I wasn’t sure where I would be able to find the strength to actually deliver the baby.

I decided that I needed reassurance from God. Mentally and physically I was bound to my body, but I thought I could gain confidence spiritually. I went to a Healing Room and prayed about my fear of childbirth. Before I even discussed the situation with the three women with whom I was praying, they shared with me the images that they had received; 2 were of strength and one described the image as a sort of, “Catherine the Great.” Not that I was going to rule a country, but that I would be given the strength to birth my baby. I definitely felt better and mentally reassured myself that I could do it; spiritually I prayed every time I felt the fear, and physically I started stretching my perineum.

Labor began early July 2nd at 2:00am. Looking back, I wish I had used the time while I could to rest but, we were excited timing contractions and making sure I ate a big pancake breakfast. We left for the hospital at 8:00am where we met Jan who checked me and said I was at 3 centimeters.

All I wanted was to go to the tub. I had already started to feel the discomfort of sitting and lying down. The only relief I got from the contractions was from walking and standing. Finally at noon, I was able to go to the tub where I found much needed relief and a chance to rest sitting.

By 2:00 p.m. the discomfort level had increased, so I was back to walking and standing. I remember that around this point, I thought to myself that this was really hard and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out. My husband and I discussed how much harder this all seemed compared to the videos we had watched. Around 3:00 p.m., I verbalized these feelings to Jan and told her I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to hold out. She said that I could always use one of the pain medications and if I did, I was limited to lying on the bed to birth the baby. It wasn’t the answer I had expected. We had talked often in my prenatal visits about the fact that if Jan felt I needed an epidural, she would be the first one to offer it to me. It was obvious to me that she was not offering and in her answer I felt she was saying I didn’t need one.

At this point, Tom and I had established a rhythm with the labor contractions. I would walk around the room and when a contraction started, he would stand in front of me and I would lean on him for support. I would breathe through the contraction with the knowledge that my husband was right there supporting and loving me. Only Tom could help me through the pain. Jan was my sage femme. I was aware of her presence which provided a different kind of much-needed support.

At 5:00 p.m., my chiropractor, Dr. Laura, came by the hospital to check me through my contractions, adjust me, and show Tom a hand position for my sacrum to move the baby to the next stage of labor—transition. She definitely helped me enter the next stage with her calming words, touch, and support. I had moved positions from walking to standing at the window sill and felt the desire to push increase more and more.

At 6:00 p.m., Jan broke my water. There was no meconium in the fluid, a blessing as I was already almost a week late. I went back to the water to start pushing. Again sitting was not very comfortable and spent most of my time on my knees. Jan told me I should be able to feel the head coming down the canal but, I couldn’t feel a thing. We tried other positions, sitting on the toilet, standing in the shower, and went back to leaning against the window sill. I eventually ended up lying on the bed on my left side holding on to the railing as I pushed. I found these last contractions to be painful but also a relief because I could actually do something with them (push). The between contractions were more painful because I experienced a low pelvic pain. The baby’s heartbeat remained sound and I continued on…

I know that I pushed for 3 hours trying to get Finn out. At some point, maybe halfway, I told Jan that I thought maybe the baby wasn’t coming because of my vulvadynia. I was thinking that mentally I was holding the baby back. She asked me if I believed I could do it and I said, “yes", although honestly, I still had doubt. In these 3 hours, I remember going back and forth between believing I could birth the baby and not believing. Whenever doubt came, I would tell myself I could do it and said a prayer.

About 8:30p.m., I knew that Jan was going to call the OB on call. Part of me thought that I would love to see the Doctor maybe he could get the baby out easier and part of me knew his answer (forceps, suction) would be worse. Luckily, Jan was successful in stalling the Doctor. Around 9:00 p.m., Jan told me I could do this. Time was running out. She suggested I hold my breath with the next contraction and push. It worked! The baby’s head was coming down. Tom told me the baby had black hair. A mirror was positioned so I could see the progress I was making. It was at this point, that I remember deciding that I was going to have to let go, dig deep and experience pain in my very sensitive vulvar region. With each contraction, I was more determined to get the baby out. I saw the baby’s head crown and knew he was coming. It was also the most intense burning I have ever felt in my life. I remember Nancy saying that the Ring of Fire doesn’t last long once the baby’s head is crowned but, that didn’t hold true for me. In fact, the rest of the birth burned.

After the head came out, the shoulders didn’t just slip out like in the videos. They were stuck. In fact, Jan told me I needed to switch positions and get on my hands and knees which I moved faster into that position than anyone expected. The labor nurse, Tamara, was very instrumental in telling me to push like I am madder than Hell. I did that a few times and the baby came out!

I don’t remember how I turned over but, I did. I was on my back with my baby on my chest and after 19 hours, I was a Mom.

Jan told me that it was one of the most courageous births she has seen in years. Tamara told me she has never heard Jan say that to anyone. Tom told me I was amazing and that he has never seen this side of Kathryn before.

For me, It is a story of facing my fear and pain, of experiencing the pain head on without ignoring it or distracting myself from it, and of triumphantly conquering the pain and the fear. I realize now that I have the inner strength to do anything.